I remember back in the early 90's there was this movie starring Holly Hunter about a mother who puts out a hit on her daughter's cheerleading rival. It was based on a true story and I remember thinking, "What the hell kind of person would do that?" Now that I am a mother, I can kind of see how she got there.
Preparations for the Haunted Barn Party began in earnest about two weeks ago. After spending countless hours perusing Halloween ideas on the time suck that is Pinterest and a few hundred dollars on party decorations we started setting up the haunted house on top floor of the barn. For anyone out there who is thinking about doing a haunted house, these are my three must have purchases: fog machine, creepy sound effects CD and lots of fake spiderweb stuff. If you have a few thousand dollars you may also want to hire a professional lighting technician, a few professional actors to scare the shit out of people, and a special effects make up person, because according to Scrappy Doo, our party didn't scare anyone. Lucky for him I had PMS the week before, otherwise I may have murdered him.
I snapped at Prince more than once as he attempted to decorate without consulting me. I had my vision and he wasn't seeing it. I didn't really start completely riding my broomstick though until two days before the big event. Why hadn't the husband put all of his crap away in the bottom of the barn? Where was that little room he was supposed to build upstairs to put his tools in? When the hell were the electricians going to come finish putting electricity in the barn? Goddamn it! Didn't everyone know I had a party to throw?
Three days before the party I had the menu set and all of the food purchased. Most of the decorations in the barn were complete and I spent 8 straight hours carving jack-o-lanterns to put out in the front yard with the fake tombstones that the dog kept snagging out of the ground. I think he finally got the message that he had better stay clear of the graveyard when I ran after him screaming and wielding the large kitchen knife I was using to carve the pumpkins.
The day before the party the husband arrived from a business trip. He had a huge box of the most disgusting candy you could imagine. Every last bit had at least three different food dyes in it just in case the high fructose corn syrup didn't do the trick in getting the kids worked up into a complete frenzy. Instead of going over to Amish Eldin's to steal some clothes off the line and go as an Amish to the party, he decided to be a zombie Candy Store owner. I was going to be the creepy old lady who lived in the haunted house and just sit by the window and rock in a rocking chair.
The electricians finished wiring the barn and the husband finished cleaning up the barn so he was no longer on my shit list. Some friends arrived from the city and I calmed down a bit. I woke up at five the next morning and started the tedious business of making cheese stick fingers and eyeball donuts. With only an hour before the guests were scheduled to arrive, I still needed to set up apple bobbing and set all the food out. Luckily my wonderful city friends were on hand to finish the mummy hot dogs and pour me a glass of wine.
At 4:03 people started arriving and I was not in my rocking chair yet. I was now kicking myself for not insisting that the haunted house portion of the evening be held after dark. By the time I got upstairs, every child had either blue, red or green teeth depending on which nasty candy they decided to try first. I pretended to be dead in the chair. I think I freaked a couple of the younger kids out a little but for the most part they all just ran around screaming and sucking on baby bottles filled with neon sugar topped with lollipop nipples. (Yes this really is a candy you can buy.)
By the time it was actually dark enough to be scary in the haunted barn, the kids were outside in the yard and we had lost all control over any organized activities. I did manage to get a large group together for apple bobbing. The husband stuck his whole head in and thrashed about like an angry shark until he pulled an apple out. I have to admit being married to the biggest kid in the room always makes for a fun time.
Our friends' band entertained us on this unusually warm October night and the almost full moon was just enough light for the kids to play manhunt in the backyard. We were only slightly worried we might have to organize a search party for kids lost in the woods. By 8:00 many of the local families began to leave. One kid said to the husband, "Thanks for the best party ever!"
The next morning our city friends hit the road early in anticipation of the storm. I surveyed my house which looked like Sandy had already swept through. Cleanup would have to wait. My dreams of having the boys shower me with affection and gratitude for a fabulous party and new found social status were quickly squashed by the onslaught of teary eyes and sullen faces. Everyone was sad the weekend was over so quickly and apparently there was nothing to look forward to except death.
So here I am in my messy house waiting for the boys to come home early from school because of the weather. Lots of board games are in my future as are hopefully many more magical memories with family and friends here on the farmette.
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