Say Cheese or Not

Happy one month birthday Billy Beef! Wow!  What a month.  It started out kind of the same way I started as a new mother; looking at the baby who didn't want to go to sleep at 11:00pm and thinking, "Now what?" only this time I am looking at a giant udder at 5:30am and thinking, "Now what?"  Here are a few things I have learned over the past month

1. I can milk a cow like a boss!  The first couple of days battling with the 20lb Surge Milker, trying to hoist it onto Noelle's "belt" and then trying to lean under the 850lb cow to attach the four suctions all while trying to avoid being kicked, I ended up in tears and resorted to hand milking.  Cross that off the bucket list. Hand milking is for the retired millionaire who fancies himself a gentleman farmer not the woman who has to be to work at 8am with three kids in the house not getting ready for school despite my threats as I left for the barn.  I scoffed at the ridiculous price of the Surger Milker, but now I am very thankful for the Husband's impulsivity and Type A personality that, "Has no time to waste milking by hand".

2. Cows produce A LOT of milk!  Thank Hera Billy Beef didn't end up Vinnie Veal because we get 5-6 gallons milking once a day without separating mom and nursing calf.  I cannot imagine where I would put 12 or more gallons if I had to milk her twice a day.  We have a fridge dedicated to dairy. It is filled with five gallon jars of fresh milk, cream, butter, yogurt, cheese and the freezer has some interesting ice cream flavors: Basil Chocolate Chip anyone?

3. And speaking of cheese, I have learned that I suck at making it.  When I agreed to abandon the city and move out to the country, I told the Husband I would do it if I could make sheep's milk cheese. Three years, 72 chickens, five cats, two bunnies, two dogs, a miniature horse, a cow and a calf later, I still do not have any sheep, but I do make cheese (poorly).  It is way too sciencey for my cooking skills. I am more of the Shirley Valentine school of cooking.  "I like a glass of wine while I am preparing the evening meal.  Don't I wall?"

There is no drinking while making cheese.  Partially because you have to pay attention to temperatures and what culture to add when and the cutting of the curds.  The other reason is that it is very time consuming.  When you start at 7am with milk still steaming from the cow, and end the process days later, that would be one hell of a bender.

As I type away I have some curd setting for feta which will be ready in three days.  Farmhouse cheddar will take two months or more.  Since I am more of an instant gratification seeker, I have tried several times to perfect the 30 minute mozzarella.  I have had one slightly edible ball, but most have tasted like silly putty. Yes, I did chew on silly putty when I was a kid so I do know what I am talking about.  There is nothing like pressing a wad of slimy grey silly putty onto your favorite Family Circus comic in the Sunday paper and then peeling the image from the page and popping it into your mouth.

There are so many variables to experiment with to determine why your cheese sucks.  Is the milk too fatty?  Not fatty enough?  Did I add too much citric acid?  Was the temperature right?  Should I add the rennet later?  Should I let it sit longer?  Usually with cooking I just add more butter or white wine.  Sauce too thin?  Add butter.  Sauce too thick?  Add white wine. Food too bland?  Sauté it in butter and add white wine.  For my daily cooking I don't need to know the chemical structure of milk fat and protein and why milk is different depending on the time of day or year you get it.  And how to compensate for the different fat content and whether your cow was pissed at you the last time you milked her.

Fear not readers.  I have not given up.  I will be winning that blue ribbon for Best Cheese at the County Fair next year, but in the meantime...Watch out Ben & Jerry.  I am gunning for you.  Oh, and here's a cute video of mom and baby.