Royal Baby Watch

Sorry Princess Charlotte, but the birth everyone on the farmette is eagerly awaiting is that of the heir apparent to the Bovine Queen Noelle.

The farm minion (the husband) has been hard at work preparing the royal suite for the little prince or princess.

A portable milking machine has been purchased, a stanchion has been built to milk the Queen Mum and the husband has personally transported 1500 lbs of a special organic grain from Vermont for Noelle to munch on while she is being milked.   I am convinced that the exorbitant cost of this grain must mean it is sprinkled with magic fairy dust. I try to focus on the fact that I will no longer have to pay $4/gallon of milk and $6/lb of butter instead of the $1000 we have spent so we can be slaves to our daily 5am milking regimen.

We know the birth is imminent due to the fact that Noelle is really, "bagging up". This is a term the husband learned from a Youtube video to describe the expanding udder.  As a former milking mother, I find it rather offensive, but he loves to throw the phrase around whenever neighbors come over.  The owner of the baby daddy delivered some hay recently, and the husband invited him to take a look at Noelle.

Husband: "We think she is ready because she is really bagging up."

Neighbor: "She sure is bagging up, but probably will bag up even more."

What about the fact that she looks uncomfortable because she has a 100lb calf pressing up against her ribs?

A 100 lb baby is what gets me.   When I was big and uncomfortable towards the end of my pregnancy with Prince, I was suddenly struck by the notion of, "This baby has to somehow come out of my body!"  I was terrified and he only weighed 8 lbs.

Granted, Noelle probably weighs in at well over 800 lbs but since I am going to be playing midwife, I am feeling a tad stressed out.

"Don't worry." said a friend who has experience with birthing calves.  "She will probably be fine, but if the baby is breech, you will  have to tie a rope to its leg and pull."

Shut. The. Front. Door.

This is sounding way too much like the movie "Alien." I envision myself covered in copious amounts of amniotic fluid as I try to leverage myself against a railing to pull the calf out before I am suffocated by a gigantic placenta.


to be continued...