OK, so that was a cheap way to get you to read this post. I am not having another baby, but we do HAVE a new baby.
Her name is Noelle. It was Noel because she was born on Christmas, but my Swiss friend told me it needs to be Noelle since she is a girl and it should have an umlaut, but I don't know how to type an umlaut, so just imagine it there.
A calf? WTF? you may be asking yourself. I thought the crazy farm lady wanted sheep to make sheep cheese? This is true, but sometimes when fate steps in and offers you a two month old heifer, you have to go with it.
This all began when another friend sent me a link for a free bunny. I consider myself a little like Noah and already have my two bunny quota thank you very much, so I passed, but not before I asked if she had seen any listings for sheep. This led to another email with photos of the Beekman Boys new baby goats. Super cute.
For those of you who do not know the Beekman Boys, they are exactly like me and the husband if we were gay men who bought a fabulous mansion in Central New York, complete with goat herd and goat herder, had a successful reality show, online store, and won The Amazing Race last season. As you can see the similarities to our lives are uncanny.
They do live near us though and before their big win on the Amazing Race, one of them did work in advertising in NYC during the week, while the other stayed and worked on the farm, just like the husband and I do, which means we really do have a lot in common and probably should be having drinks with them at their fabulous mansion tonight.
But I digress. When I saw the photos of the baby goats I was tempted but remembered that goats kind of freak me out with their crazy eyes and I am not super fond of goat cheese. The little kids did make me realize that Spring is almost here and if I am serious about making cheese, I should probably start looking for my pregnant ewes. I started perusing Craig's List. I didn't find any sheep, but I did find Noelle.
She is 3/4 Jersey cow and 1/4 Holstein. Jersey cows are hard to find because they are much prized for their creamy milk. They don't produce as much milk as Holstein's, but because their milk is super creamy it is great for cheese. They are also smaller than the Holsteins which means she will probably only be as big as the Prius and not as big as the Mini Van.
Being from the city where a great deal on Craig's List is quickly scooped up by someone else, I immediately emailed the owner to see if she was still available. Yes, she was. The owner then emailed all of her sire information which made her sound more like a cyborg than an actual animal. Thank god for the internet and knowledgeable friends.
I discovered that most people don't really want to own a bull. Can't imagine why? Most heifers are artificially inseminated with bull semen for $75 a pop. The companies who sell the semen have statistics on the bull's daughters that track things like health, milk output and fat content which is all very complicated when you are just a yahoo who saw a photo of a cute calf and don't know anything about cows.
How would you like the job of collecting bull semen? I don't want to picture it in my mind, but can't help wondering how they do it. Do they show him pictures of pretty heifers? Cow porn? LALALALA. OK, I need a new image in my head.
The husband and I went over to see her a few days later and fell in love. She looked like a little deer and was very sweet. The fact that we wouldn't see a drop of milk for about two years didn't seem to be a deal breaker. We would raise her with the boys. Maybe a 4H project for Prince? We decided right then to take her.
The girl who was selling Noelle is a lovely girl. My guess is Christian home schooled and about 17. She started raising cows a couple of years ago and I could tell by the look on her face she was more than a little apprehensive about our impulsivity. She told us she would keep her for a week or two until we were set up and ready.
Fearing she might get cold feet and decide to keep our little girl, I went into overbearing mother mode. Anyone who has ever tried to get their kid into a desirable school in NYC will know what I am talking about. I wrote her a flattering email about how impressed I was with her dedication to her cows and how I wanted to have a small self-sustaining farm and raise the heifer with the boys so they learn to appreciate where their food comes from. I laid it on thick. I was getting that little cow no matter what.
That weekend we went to work. The husband got the stall in the barn set up and started putting up the fencing. I read everything I could find on raising a family cow and sourced hay and milk for her. We even spent a day at a dairy farm up the street from us. It is run by a great couple who should have a reality show of their own. They were so friendly and gracious and while we won't be milking 45 cows twice a day, we learned a lot and are having them over for dinner next week. Sorry Beekmans. We won't be available for drinks next Saturday.
I emailed my earnest young Christian girl and told her what we had been up to. She was impressed and confessed that when she got her first cow she didn't even have a barn. We could come get Noelle the following Friday. I ran over to the Feed and Seed and purchased the largest baby bottle I have ever seen. The bottle holds a half gallon of milk and she gets a bottle twice a day.
Friday came and we lined the back of the mini van with a drop cloth, straw and newspaper and headed out to pick up our little girl. She wasn't too keen about getting into the back of the van, but the husband really is an animal whisperer and managed to lift her in and climbed in next to her.
It was a long slow ride home but we finally arrived and managed to get Noelle out of the van and into the barn. She was a little suspicious of us and not quite as affectionate as she had been the day we met her. We stayed with her for a bit and then closed her in with the two chains the husband set up as a gate. Noelle promptly stepped over the bottom chain, ducked under the top chain and sprinted to the front yard. The husband and I tried to herd her into a corner so we could grab her harness, but each time she managed to give us the slip. I felt like a real cowboy.
We finally got her back in the barn and I held her while the husband added some more wood planks around the stall to keep our little escape artist in. I then went in to prepare her big ass baby bottle making sure the temperature was just right. I presented her with bottle thinking she would immediately grab on like the babies at the dairy farm did. She wasn't impressed. I had to pry her mouth open while the husband tried to shove the nipple in her mouth. We fought with her and each other for another five minutes before I agreed with the husband that perhaps the nipple needed to be cut open more. That seemed to do the trick and she latched on with an enthusiasm that nearly ripped my arms out. It was an upper body workout like I have never had in a gym. She pulled and thrust trying to get every last drop of milk out, which she managed to do in about three minutes.
Once she was full of milk, she warmed up to us, nuzzled my coat and welcomed pats and kisses from the whole family. The boys were almost as smitten as the husband and I. I think Scrappy Doo was a little scared of her feeding enthusiasm and we encouraged his caution to a point where we may have dissuaded him from ever setting foot in her stall. While she is a beautiful baby, she is still a large animal who could cause some serious damage to his tiny body.
I went in and got her an old cardigan sweater that I tied around her to help keep her warm. She looked like some crazy bovine Mr. Rogers. It was hard to leave her in the barn that cold night, but the husband was out there at 4:30 the next morning to give her a bottle and shower her with affection. I think Itty Bitty Kitty has been replaced in his heart.
It has been a week since we brought our girl home and every morning when I go out there I still wonder how the hell did I end up with a cow? I climb between the slats and she gazes at me with her big brown eyes and blurts out a loud, "MOOO" I lean my head down so she can nuzzle me. We spend the next several minutes in silence as she leans in for hugs and scratches under her chin. I have never thought of a cow as majestic, but she is. The fact that she will be able to feed us simply by eating our grass is pretty awe inspiring. Not to be all new agey, but to be this connected to your food is a really beautiful experience. I have a respect for my chickens and now my little girl that is truly humbling. I am grateful for these creatures and looking forward to our adventures as the farmette continues to grow.
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