An Amish Barn Raising

So my mother-in-law lives in New York State near the PA border where there are tons of Amish.  She found this guy to help renovate her old house and her new one.  He is now working on a barn for her as well as a chicken tractor.  He is sort of her equivalent of Eldin Bernecky from the television show, "Murphy Brown."  I know. I am dating myself, but I do have older siblings.

The Husband and I were very jealous of his mom's Amish.  We have tried to hire a few contractors here to do work, but they usually either don't call you back, charge a fortune or just plain suck.  There was one guy who came to give us an estimate on a new chimney.  He was a good two hours late and then started completely talking out of his ass.  I know nothing about masonry or any other type of contracting for that matter, so if  I could tell he was clueless, that is saying something.  We yearned for our own Amish Eldin.

When the Husband went to pick up the car and chickens he got to meet his Mom's Amish and asked him if he would come build a barn for us.  Now the thought of five Amish guys staying with us for a week did give me pause, but how many of my city friends can say they have had Amish stay with them?  Not many I am sure.  I would earn major cool points. Unfortunately, Mom's Amish decided it was too far away and passed on the job, dashing my dreams of doing my best Kelly McGillis impersonation as I poured lemonade for a bunch of sweaty thirsty guys in cute hats and suspenders.

Remember how I told you that the Husband gets fixated on something and doesn't rest until it happens?  Well, that is what it was with his dream of an Amish barn raising.  He went to an auction near a new community of Amish in the area.  He returned with yet another set of screw bits and a big smile on his face.  We had our Amish.

It took a few weeks to get everything sorted out.  It is hard to get in touch with the Amish since they don't have phones.  You either have to wait for them to call you from an English neighbor or just drive out to their house and hope they are there.  Finally the Husband set everything up and there were four guys scheduled to come build us a barn in a week. The Husband was so excited he took the week off from work so he could join the crew.

The morning they were coming,  I woke up at 6am so I could bake them some muffins and put the coffee on.  I changed my clothes a few times trying to find something modest enough to wear.  I soon realized I dress pretty whorey.  I have a pretty big rack for a small woman and all of my tops seem to show some cleavage.  I finally found an appropriate schmattaish shirt and waited.

I am probably going to piss some people off with this statement but, the Amish are adorable. Seriously. From the way they dress to their missing digits to their peaceful manner; you just want to hug them.  I would consider becoming Amish myself if it wasn't for the no alcohol, no tv and most importantly, no NPR. I mean, I love cooking, gardening, and taking care of animals.  I am not so good at the knitting, sewing, quilting thing, but  I would love to learn. Even though I would not be too keen on birthing 14 kids, I obviously don't have a problem with the no birth control thing.

Four guys show up in matching pants with suspenders and straw hats. I thought their shirts were a little flashy for Amish, but what do I know. Three of the guys have beards which they start to grow when they marry.  The youngest guy is unmarried and it is a running joke that he is too dumb to ever find a wife. There are 37 fingers between all four of them and they all have really bad haircuts.  Someone should really think about starting an Amish Barber School.

Eldin is in charge.  I am changing his name not because I am afraid he will read this blog, but because when this thing goes viral I want to protect him from the paparazzi. He is 25.  He walks around like a rooster, but not my rooster mind you who has not quite mastered cockiness.  Eldin would have been the captain of the football team if he had been born into an English family. He loves bossing his guys around, but it is still in a sweet Amish way.  They get quite a bit done the first day.




The husband is in heaven being around these guys. He and Eldin constantly give each other shit.  I am thinking he may quit his job and start an Amish taxi service.  He even offers to drive Eldin and his family to his in-laws house on our way out of town for the weekend.  I am not really sure how we are all going to fit into a seven passenger van, but who could turn down the opportunity to get an insider glimpse at the Amish community?  Plus, they have two little bonneted daughters.  I am not about to miss the chance to hold one.

We were expected at my friend's place around 9.  I assumed our 5:00 start would give us plenty of time to drop Eldin and his family and get to our destination.  The husband forgot to inform me that Eldin needs to stop at about 15 places when you take him anywhere.  I guess this is part of the problem of not having a phone or car.  When someone offers a ride, they take care of all the business they need to do for the next week, but I think it is mostly just Eldin's personality.  He is kind of like the mayor.




We stop by about five other Amish farms either picking stuff up or dropping it off and I get to hold the bonneted babies each time. Upon seeing all of the cute baby animals, Scrappy Doo decides he wants to be Amish.  This is a declaration he will later regret when his brothers tell him he can no longer play Wii because he is Amish.

The funny thing about Eldin is he gets as excited about seeing an Amish buggy on the road as we do and most of the time he is somehow related to whomever is driving it.  One rickety buggy we pass he dismisses as being a hillbilly buggy.  He doesn't know these people.

When we finally arrive at their destination, it is 9:00 and pitch black because there is no electricity on the farm.  We unload all of the people and their stuff including a manure spreader.  I take the dog for a   pee and hear the Husband let out a squeal of delight.  He picks up a tiny little kitten.  The Husband doesn't like many animals, but he is a sucker for a little kitty.  The woman who owns the farm offers to give the tiny thing to us.  The boys all shout, "Really?" at the same time.  I assume they are staring at their father as they say this because I have conveniently walked far away with the dog. I then hear, "If it is OK with Mommy."

We arrive two hours late to my friend's place with an ill behaved dog and a three week old kitten that has an eye infection.  Thankfully she is an animal lover.